You ever have one of those dreams? One of those dreams that makes you wish you were still asleep – that you could stay asleep forever? Well, I just had one of those. She was a blonde, the girl of my dreams – and beautiful too. She was perfect, easy to talk to, easy to be around, she made me happy – and not just a regular happy. Everyone has friends that are nice to be around, but this girl – this one, I just can’t explain it, pure bliss – and I don’t know why. The thing is . . . that’s as far as it’ll go. A great dream is just that, a dream – and now I have to return to reality.
I don’t have a terrible life, but it isn’t terribly great either. I’d say average, but no life is average, life is life – and no one can compare theirs to anyone else’s, they are all unique. Either way, my life isn’t spectacular. I graduated from a small state school, it’s nothing worth mentioning. I had dreams in college, dreams of doing exciting things, but nothing ever became of them. So now, I work at this office building, which isn’t too bad – though not too good either. I guess that’s how most things about me are.
After work I returned home to my flat and had a bite to eat, watched some TV, the regular. Had friends over for a few beers too, but then I had the place to myself. I didn’t have any reason to stay awake, so I called it early and climbed in bed.
The same dream! Well, not the same, but a continuation. It’s happened a few times before, when I have the same dream again, but not like this. I can’t believe it, it was great – even better than the first time. I still don’t know her name, but I don’t even mind. She’s still as beautiful as ever. Charming, funny, I can’t get enough of her – and I still can’t explain it. I wish I could meet this girl, wouldn’t that be nice? Hahaha, what if you could actually meet the girl of your dreams? That would be great, wouldn’t it? It’s a shame my soul-mate dwells in my head . . . What am I talking about? My soul-mate? She’s a dream, a creation of my unconscious mind.
I hold on to things too tightly, but I’ll work out my troubles at a later time. For now, I have to get to work – maybe I’ll start looking for a new job, something not so dull.
It’s amazing how much time you spend in your own mind. Well, all of the time, I guess – but I mean time thinking. Not time doing actual things, but time just thinking, wondering, dreaming. That’s how most of my day at work is. I couldn’t even tell you what I did today, it was a blur. Don’t take that in a bad way, why would anyone want to inhabit a world that’s so boring? Why not live in the mind? Well, to a certain extent, I couldn’t live my entire life locked up in my skull – I’d probably be admitted into a mental hospital or something, hahah. Well, now it’s time to get some shut-eye.
Again! It happened again! Can you believe it? Two times in a row, the same girl! I wonder what this means . . . could it be a sign? Yeah! Why not? Everyone is so quick to dismiss signs, to dismiss signals, what if they are true? What if that’s how God communicates? But we just think it’s random mental processes. If that’s so, I wonder what he’s trying to tell me. I’ve never had a bad love-life. I’ve never been engaged or anything, but I’ve dated, I’ve dated a lot, I’ve even been in love. And I get to a point where I’m comfortable, but something is missing. Something just isn’t right, and I can’t take it any further. That missing piece . . .
Yeah! that’s what this girl is like! Just like I couldn’t explain my ex’s faults, I can’t explain this girl’s perfection. She’s sweet, she knows me so well, she knows how to make me happy – but what’s more is that I don’t ask for it. I just spend all of my time trying to make her happy, and she does the same. I’ve always been told that’s how to make relationships work, but I never tried it – I never wanted to devote my entire life to making somebody happy, no one ever deserved it, but now her. I’d do anything for her. If I could only spend more time, though – a night’s sleep isn’t enough.
It’s funny how things work. How you can have the happiest moment in your life, the best thing could happen to you, but in the end – it just makes you that much more depressed. Because you know it won’t last. Happiness doesn’t last forever, it’s fleeting. You try to live in those short moments but they slip away. Slip away forever, or until another one comes passing by. I wish I could be with this girl, not just in my dreams – but in reality. How great would that be? But . . . she’s a dream. But what if she exists? And my dreams are just preparing me for when I actually meet her . . .
Another day at work, another week at work, another month. So dull. What if the world didn’t revolve around money? What if I didn’t have to work? Not out of laziness, no, but what if our purpose was to chase happiness? Not just to scratch out a living, no, not just to get by. The only happiness I get nowadays is in my dreams, it’s when I’m with her. I’ve stopped talking to my coworkers, to my friends, to my family. Why bother? They don’t make me happy. Sure, poker on Friday nights was fun, but it doesn’t last forever. Joking and laughing is great, sure, but it all evaporates into nothingness in the next instant. If nothing in permanent, why participate at all? What’s the point? So, I keep to myself, I go to work because I have to. Because I need to eat, I need a roof to live under. But, my life, well, my dreams – are for her. She’s great, I tell you. I still can’t explain it – and I like it that way. I usually don’t like mystery, but this isn’t that bad. I don’t mind not knowing everything about her. But I know this mystery won’t be bad. It can’t be bad. Nothing is bad about her. She’s so beautiful, and not even just on the outside. Everything about her is beautiful. Her heart, her mind – all of it. Everything she does, perfection. And when I’m with her, I feel perfect too – and that’s something I’ve never felt before. Not in an arrogant sense, no, I know I’m not perfect, no one is – but she is. Well, maybe. Does perfect have to be real? Can it be real? What is perfection, anyway? It’s an idea, right? A dream. So yeah – she is perfect, of course she is! Who said that a dream isn’t more real that reality? What if being awake is the dream, and dreams – reality?
I didn’t bother going to work today, I don’t see a point. If life’s about chasing the good in everything, why not do it? My job is terrible, it’s so mundane. So, why would I continue to do it? Sure, I’ll look for a job later, but for now I’m just going to relax. Maybe I’ll nap a bit more, just to see her. I’ll be fine for a little while, I have enough money saved up. I could always go on unemployment if things get real bad and can’t find work – this economy is funny that way. But, for now – I’ll be content in my dreams.
I’ve made up my mind. I had an epiphany. I wouldn’t call it hedonism no, nor nihilism, they’re destructive, they’re reckless. No, I have invented my own philosophy. Not sure what it’s called though. The Constitution says we have the freedom to pursue happiness, right? Well, that’s what I’m doing. That’s what my life revolves around now. Pursuing happiness. Eliminating all of the bad things in my life. I don’t watch the news, it’s depressing. I don’t go to work, that’s boring. I don’t talk to my family, they always make me feel guilty about something that I didn’t do. My friends, I don’t want to deal with their problems, they should learn to live with themselves. I’m content being with myself. I always have prided myself on that. So many people can’t be with themselves, it drives them crazy. But not me, no, I rise above it. I can spend all of my time alone, I even like it. Well, I’m not totally alone. I get to see her whenever I want. On a whim I can slip away and embrace perfection. Oh, I wish you could see her. I wish you could feel what I feel. Her smile, it’s the best I’ve seen. And her laugh? I can’t describe it, it brightens my day. And her warm embrace, I could stay in her arms forever and be happy.
Life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Cracked up to be? I don’t even know what that means. Who decided that life was supposed to be good anyway? Some old guy with a long beard sat down and said that life was supposed to be enjoyable? What a quack. Life is what you make of it, I guess. And I’m tired of making mine. Well, making my life up to the standards of others. I hate when people tell me what to do. Why do they care? People are selfish, they only want to keep themselves sane. They don’t care about anyone else. Nope. Some people are nosy though, they want to know everything about you – but only to make themselves feel better. Ever wonder why your friends try and pressure you into doing things? It’s because what they’re doing is wrong. And they know it. Misery loves company. I don’t love company though. And besides, I’m not miserable – I’m far from it. Everyone else is miserable, everyone else complains. I have nothing to complain about. Sure, I don’t have a job – but who cares. I met my soul-mate. The girl I get to spend the rest of my life with. She’s great, let me tell you.
There’s really no point in staying awake at all anymore. To eat, yeah, and to do a few things – but why else? Why do we spend so much time awake? I know why I don’t want to, I want to spend time with her. I’d like to spend all my time with her if I could. Maybe that’s what I’ll do. They have things you can take, right? What if I spent the majority of the day with her, and then just the odd hour or two around my flat. That would be great, wouldn’t it? Finally, I’ll be able to do what I’ve always dreamt of doing, being with my love as long as I want. I wonder what we’re going to do together today? It doesn’t matter, as long as it’s with her – I’ll be content.
She moved in today, I’m so happy. I think I’m going to propose to her – I think she’d like that, and I know I would. That would make it official, wouldn’t it – marriage? I guess that’s what marriage really is. Letting everyone know that you’re in love. But why? Why not keep it between the two of you? No one else benefits from your love, just the two. Everyone else ruins it. Everyone else is jealous, jealous of us. They don’t want to see us happy – why would they? Happy people upset everyone around them, because no one knows the happiness that we have. And I’m okay with that, I don’t want to share her, she’s mine – and I her’s.
I’ve been sleeping the greater part of every week. It’s great, I can’t get enough of her. These pills aren’t doing the trick any more though, I’ve got to find another way to be with her.
I’m down to my last dose. Sure, it’s a few more than I usually take – but two or three don’t cut it any longer. I don’t know when I’ll be able to see her again, these pills barely work – and I don’t know if I’d be able to fall asleep on my own any longer. So, I’ll take a few more doses than usual, it couldn’t hurt. I’ll make sure to tell her that I’m going away for a while, but that I’ll be back soon. I just need some time to figure out to make to make this permanent. I’ll see her again. I hate to leave her right after our honeymoon, but I don’t really have a choice. She’ll understand, she’s perfect, we’re perfect, everything is perfect.
Bill Stevenson, salesman for a local internet security firm.
After a bout with what seemed to be depression, Stevens died in his apartment last night, the 20th of May, 2010, of an overdose, after being absent from work for nearly a month without notice. Exact details of his death are not known at this time. Surviving him are his parents, John and Carol, who have decided to have Stevens cremated. Viewing details have not been released, as the service is private.
